What I’m noticing
As I mature (that’s how I like to refer to the passage of time), I aim to be as fully integrated and authentic as possible. It is what I owe my ancestors and others denied the right to be their full selves. In early May I shared “I find that aspects of my identity are in conflict. I don’t know how to resolve the inner battle and I am fortunate that I don’t have to do so quite yet.” I also wrote that I benefit from “benevolent capitalism.” These realities contribute to the vibrating tension in my body that increases every day.
For the past month, I have observed how individual threads of my identity are responding to this moment. The focus of BEING gave space to pay attention to what parts of me were front and center at any given time. I gave myself permission to feel what I needed to feel (or not) as well as to notice my energy with the hopes that where I might be of service would be revealed.
I chose three identity threads. What follows is what I noticed about actions (external) and reactions (mine).
African-American Female early 50’s
Most striking to me was who reached out, how and when, and who did not. Those who text are closer to me as opposed to those who email. I appreciate short texts from folks with whom a personal “hey, how are you” is not out of the norm with an explicit stating of no response required (something I do as well). I heard from people who I love deeply and don’t stay in touch with regularly. Whereas there are others with whom I have spent considerable time in the past and recently where there has been nothing. The latter affirms that I was likely “their Black friend” and they have not yet made the connection to what is happening in the U.S. to me. Lastly, my tolerance and interest in all things White has greatly diminished. I have less interest in seeing or talking to White people in general. My Patriarchy spidey sense is on full alert. No doubt my all-girls school experience is being re-tapped.
Consultant to/with Institutional Philanthropy and NonProfits
The number of emails or meetings I have had where someone who is not African-American/Black has asked ‘How are you?’ has been astonishing. Now, if you are a client/colleague of mine, I often start our conversation with “How are you/What’ up?” before we get to work. I really do want to know. My work relationships are intimate. Remember: Relator is my number one StrengthsFinder strength. However, in these most recent exchanges, the opening feels more about the other person wanting to share their reflections and to bear witness in some way to my experience as a way to appease their guilt or to offer insights as part of their education. I get this is part of the work we have to do as a country. Perhaps this is the beginning of a new era. Time will tell. What I can say is...
I am not interested in declarations of solidarity or newfound interest in or understanding of what has been the experience of African-American/Black people in the United States. I want you to do your own work and when you have done that we can talk, maybe. I want to be with people who are BEING AND DOING different not merely exploring their own feelings. I am of a certain maturity, I simply don’t have the time.
Philanthropic Ecosystem Outsider/Insider
I have worked with philanthropy for the past 25 years. I have never been on staff. I have seen its growth and evolution over the years. The number of statements in the past two weeks naming racism and structural racism as intolerable, and in particular, the ways in which African American/Black people have been systematically oppressed and experienced state-sanctioned violence and execution since first stolen and enslaved is notable. And yet I find a glaring lack of self-reflection and recognition of the ways in which consultants, philanthropic support organizations, and nonprofit organizations are built on and perpetuate White supremacy and patriarchy in business models, mindset/world views, and approaches. It is not enough to ask philanthropy to change, to spend more, and to spend differently. We each have a role in creating a new world.
This is about more than learning (albeit a start). It is about upending a paradigm so deeply rooted that we often don’t know we are perpetuating it. My question to those who read this: what are you going to do differently?
It is getting clearer to me how I can be of service.
Related Threads:
About The Author:
Jara Dean-Coffey (jdc) is Founder and Director of the Equitable Evaluation Initiativeand the Founder of Luminare Group. For the past twenty-five years, she has partnered with clients and colleagues to elevate their collective understanding of the relationship between values, context, strategy and evaluation and shifting our practices so that they are more fully in service of equity. For more about musings + machinations click here.
