I have feelings
This was originally published on April 28, 2020 on the Equitable Evaluation Initiative blog.
It's been about 6 weeks since the nine Bay Area Mayors (soon followed by the state of CA) put us in lockdown to slow the spread of the novel virus COVID-19.
It has been a period of adjustment for me as I know it has been for all of us. A long time ago, I recognized and accepted that there is very little that I have control of in the world - at times I can barely control myself. So being in this space of uncertainty is not altogether uncomfortable. The notion of control and certainty is one of the hallmarks of White-dominant culture. As I move along in my 50’s, I more and more challenge and reject those norms.
I am privileged. I write that as an African-American, married, Bay Area home-owning, middle-aged, female who runs a for-profit consulting company and leads a 5-year national initiative from the Northeast who works with the philanthropic and nonprofit sector. I share this because in this moment (one which was inevitable), I find that aspects of my identity are in conflict. I don’t know how to resolve the inner battle and I am fortunate that I don’t have to do so quite yet.
I have been wanting to write for some time now. My hesitation was out of respect for the realities of those who are losing lives, loved ones, livelihoods, and more. The pandemic has laid bare that which many of us (meaning people of the global majority that live in the United States) have always known: this country is designed to maintain a power dynamic that privileges White male power and wealth at the sacrifice of most everything else. I could go on about how what has happened is really all that could have ever happened given choices made centuries, decades, and even 3+ years ago, but there are others who have and will continue to speak to that more eloquently.
I have seen a number of consultancies share their virtual skills competence and let us know about their ability to continue to deliver services. They too have livelihoods to maintain and people who rely on them for their own livelihood - I get it. And yet as a non-frontline direct services provider, it doesn’t feel right for me to do that for Luminare Group or for the Equitable Evaluation Initiative.
With all that in my head, heart, and body, I cannot remain still nor can I remain quiet. I have been wondering what might be my role (if any) given who I am, where I may have influence, and how I am perceived.
Like I said, I have feelings.
And I also have questions.
For those of you reading this:
What are you feeling these days? How is what you are feeling compelling you to act in service of justice, equity, and liberation?
What are you learning about your role in seeking a more just and equitable society? What might you do differently?
For me/Luminare Group/Equitable Evaluation Initiative:
What insights do you have about how I/we can act? What do you think I/we can contribute?
WE DON'T WANT THESE QUESTIONS TO BE RHETORICAL - IF YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE ABOVE, PLEASE CONSIDER DOING SO HERE. WE WANT TO USE THESE QUESTIONS (AND YOUR THOUGHTS) AS A JUMPING-OFF POINT FOR FUTURE CONVERSATIONS WE CAN HAVE IN THE FIELD.
Critics (both inside and outside) of institutional philanthropy have called for not only putting more money in the streets faster but the dismantling of the control and command norms of grantmaking that have been talked about for years.
Things are changing. It took a global pandemic, but things are changing - for the moment.
As the Founder/Principal of Luminare Group and Director of the Equitable Evaluation Initiative, I benefit from benevolent capitalism.
In all of my work, I seek to serve others who are in the pursuit of a world of justice, equity, and liberation. With every passing moment, my commitment to that grows deeper. And yet I know I am not essential. As an African-American female, I am filled with a simmering rage that I have not yet figured out how to channel.
It is combined with a relentless commitment to pushing against norms that continue to perpetuate the needless and intentional marginalization of whole groups of people - people who are deemed as less than but essential if what they do seeks to maintain the comfort of those whom this country was designed to serve.
And yet in this chaos lies opportunity.
I want to not only imagine but to work towards a different future. Not one that fixes what was, but embodies beliefs and norms that honor the multiple truths that brought us to today, that we must ensure remain visible, and are considered valid if we are to get somewhere new.
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About The Author:
Jara Dean-Coffey (jdc) is Founder and Director of the Equitable Evaluation Initiative and the Founder of Luminare Group. For the past twenty-five years, she has partnered with clients and colleagues to elevate their collective understanding of the relationship between values, context, strategy and evaluation and shifting our practices so that they are more fully in service of equity. For more about musings + machinations click here.
