Facilitation, fashion, and facade
In the days when we used to be in person, my prep work, besides design and listening to my playlist, included how to manage perceptions about my physical self so that what I said and did would more likely be received as intended and we could embrace the charge to which we collectively agreed. In thinking about Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s (D-NY) July 23rd brilliant analysis and demand for respect for all females I started to reflect on how my prep practice changed or stayed the same over the decades and the ways in which I had to create new narratives about my gender, age and race (a social construct) as part of my prep. A friend - eons back said, “We all have a type of drag” and that stuck with me. The persona I create - my drag - has been both to protect and project.
Before I go through the decades (deep breath) I should probably describe myself: I am 5’10”, my complexion is about 68% dark chocolate unless it’s summer then it’s about 85-90% (If I can get to Cabo). I have naturally dark brown curly hair (Type 3), silvering at hairline and it has a mind of its own. Brown eyes and increasingly wearing readers (purposely bought the chain straps signaling my maturity) over my contacts. I am fit - whatever that means. When I smile it is big and bright and my laugh is full. I don’t look my age - no one in my family does. There is a saying.
Ok, back to the timeline capsule.
20s
It was a lot of Banana Republic and Ann Taylor. You remember. I was not unlike other young females who thought that wearing a suit was part of the professional costume that made people pay attention to and respect you. I am also from the NorthEast so there was a certain conservativeness to my dress. I spent 7-12 grades in a uniform at an all-girls preparatory school so my teen years were not spent exploring personal style. My hair was straightened and below my shoulders. The array of products for my hair available now were nonexistent nor were there stylists who knew what to do with it (I will tell you about my SuperCuts experience at another time.). So the mane I am cultivating now was not possible.
30s
I started to focus more on group process design and facilitation. Since I was often the ‘only’ in the room and in the front I started to pay more attention to my physical presence. This was before websites and LinkedIn. People would come to the gathering and assume my white colleague was in charge. I do miss the look of shock on their face when they realized it was me.
I tried to find the balance between familiar and commanding but not too much of either so this meant, thinking about:
How high a heel and what sort of footwear should I wear?
Note, I often facilitate barefoot even now as I like the feel of the ground to keep me connected to more than the energy of the room and to remember my purpose. Thus these toes are always pedicured.
What sort of jewelry should I wear?
Pieces that stand out or pieces that complement.
18K gold, sterling silver, turquoise (my birthstone), vintage pearls, diamonds and/or rubies (month I got married and godmother’s birth gem) any and all the above.
Did I try to create a feminized masculine look?
Did I wear a dress or skirt?
If so, length? Fit?
Legs or cleavage? Neither. Never both.
Make-up
As little as I can get away to look polished and natural
My hair was still straight but all kinds of lengths and styles - think Black Barbie doll head for those of you that remember.
40’s
I always think about who will be in the room age, gender, sex, SES, role orientation all of it. As my practice expanded to national I paid more attention to place - What I wear in Jackson is different then what I might wear in LA or Chicago. I will also be honest, because if you are not going to be honest why write, I thought differently about how I might be perceived by gender. I understand the rules of the game. It’s a fine line between being too appealing and appealing enough to keep folks on their toes and out of their comfort zones.
By now I have a solid working wardrobe. Over the decade it moved from floral and print to solids with a focus on fit. I know what feels and looks good on me as being comfortable in this second skin is part of my toolkit. There are certain brands that I go to. I know the size and style. I can buy online or walk in a store and it will take me 15 minutes. It’s Garanimals for adults. My hair is natural, and curly so who knows what it will do. I understand the value and purpose of products so I have that under control for the most part although air travel and hotel is brutal on naturally curly hair.
50s
I have brought the suit back but instead of pants it is with shorts and often with a 3 in or higher heel. Otherwise it is lots of dresses and skirts and so many different types of denim. The pieces are still about fit and probably the price point has gone up a bit - cashmere, silk, wool, leather, suede and cotton. Think higher end Garanimals.
My hair is all still natural with increasing silver in the front. I am hoping for a swath of lightning in what is still mostly dark brown curls. Time will tell. I still think about who will be in the room and what to wear when in person. If it is a multi day gig there is intentionality to the personas from start to finish. I still play with my height because it’s fun. I can be 5’10 or 6’2. If you were to describe my style it is probably a touch dominatrix, a touch WASP (remember I grew up on the Main Line). It falls somewhere on that continuum depending on purpose, people and my mood. If you have seen me in person facilitating, those terms are - I think - pretty spot on. A little leather and a rope of pearls.
Take us now to July 2020. For the rest of 2020, at minimum, facilitation will be virtual. I would be lying if I didn’t say that now most of the time I’m in workout gear in a client meeting and if facilitating, business on top and an athletic skort below and barefoot (trying to reduce all barriers to working out). If we are in the early stages of our relationship you might get some earrings, a little under eye concealer, eyeliner and mascara. At this stage managing my entire physical presence is less pressing because it is only my face and well I am older. Energies that used to be focused on my ‘drag’ are now directed towards designing and holding virtual space, time and people which in all honesty is a much better use of my talents.
I do miss the dress up – in some ways it was protective armor – a way to keep myself safe - but at this stage I am no longer interested in being safe.
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About The Author:
Jara Dean-Coffey (jdc) is Founder and Director of the Equitable Evaluation Initiative and the Founder of Luminare Group. For the past twenty-five years, she has partnered with clients and colleagues to elevate their collective understanding of the relationship between values, context, strategy and evaluation and shifting our practices so that they are more fully in service of equity. For more about musings + machinations click here.
