I can’t name it yet and that is just fine
I can’t name it yet. I wrote about not being able to cry and tweeted about my current state. I have opted to stay in the space and not try to diagnose and rush out of it but just be. Paying attention to what I notice through all the senses and to the degree to which I can, noticing my reactions and responses to things, people, and experiences.
I am not in a good place (I love that show BTW) – nor is it a bad place – it is simply a place.
It takes me back to my late teens/early 20s. I didn’t have an easy time. I was 17 when I started college and before that I had been in an all girls preparatory school of which I was one of five Black students for 7th through 12th grade in a K-12 school of a little over 600 students.
College for me was a bit of a shock. I was not fully present, more an observer of my life than a participant, let alone a protagonist. I am aware that this is a pattern during periods of stress and overwhelm, and although many would deem me as productive – I am increasingly aware that I am watching it all unfold. I am waiting and wondering.
Writing helps me stay connected to my heart, mind and body although they are not fully integrated. I suspect my inability to cry is an expression of being in this place.
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About The Author:
Jara Dean-Coffey (jdc) is Founder and Director of the Equitable Evaluation Initiative and the Founder of Luminare Group. For the past twenty-five years, she has partnered with clients and colleagues to elevate their collective understanding of the relationship between values, context, strategy and evaluation and shifting our practices so that they are more fully in service of equity. For more about musings + machinations click here.
