M+M: One year later (part 2)

This is part two of a retrospective blog duo on Musings and Machinations. If you have not read part one, you can find it here.

I am one of those people who once they write, speak, act etc. doesn’t look back at the output. Once it is out of my body, I am done. I often have no idea what I said, although I do prepare, write notes and practice, etc. If I gave more thought as to why that is, it likely has something to do with an increasing paranoia of being self involved and self indulgent. I am sitting with this fear and introspective accountability — and I wonder if others are too? How do we fight the allure of capitalism that turns many who start as champions and provocateurs into imitations of what they once were? I don’t have an answer but hopefully by making my fear transparent I keep my eyes/soul on the larger picture.

In the spirit of being more intentional and deepening my attunement to the themes and threads of my inner life in a way that is an offering, I went back and reread all of my Musings + Machinations posts (52 of them in our first year). And I’ll be transparent — it was painful. I cannot lie. If you know me, you know I don’t have it in me. At times it feels like I am reading the thoughts of a stranger and then in other writings I feel totally exposed and so vulnerable.

With all that as background, here are the writings still resonating with me today and some musings about why:

I have feelings: Written almost a year ago. This is this part that I want to highlight: “I want to not only imagine but to work towards a different future. Not one that fixes what was, but embodies beliefs and norms that honor the multiple truths that brought us to today, that we must ensure remain visible, and are considered valid if we are to get somewhere new.” The assaults on the #1619Project, the Senate's successful filibuster of the establishment of the January 6th Commission and a whole host of other attempts to stop the true realities of American history being revealed will only continue as we get closer to the next Presidential election. What can I/we do via Luminare Group, Equitable Evaluation Initiative as well as me — the person — is something I think about all the time. Really, all the time.

Playing the long game: Partially because I like sports metaphors but primarily because I find myself increasingly changing and challenging all of it—the systems, the knowledge paradigms, the orthodoxies we believe to be true — all of it. None of this was designed for me in mind and if it was, it was to control and limit what is possible for me. Why would I — at this stage of my life and career— contort myself to live within those boundaries? So with every passing day I reject it all and move towards a life grounded in abundance and love, seeking those who also crave a new way to be in this world.

It all matters: In 5th grade I read a lot of poetry. It did not stick as I aged--maybe I wasn’t ready for it. Maybe it hit at threads I needed more life to pull from. So writings that have a rhythm and structure like poetry are now interesting to me. Mostly they are notes to myself to remember ways of being that are essential to who I am and how I wish to be. They are whispered truths I can hold close, muse upon and then share with those who share and know my heart.

A year into this writing experiment, I am watching to see what happens if I use existing themes as starting points for new pieces or if/when an idea emerges, I might see how it relates to an existing writing. I’m not sure yet. As with most things, I will see what emerges.

And that is the heartbeat of staying open, vulnerable and human.

This post was written on May 29th, 2021.

I still love hotel bars

M+M: One year later (part 1)