Present without performance
Written on November 14 at 4:00 AM, looking out the bedroom window.
I texted a friend the other day that I craved to be ‘present without performance.’ I’ve been sitting with it for a while trying to figure out what I meant by that. Why something feels different now.
As someone who designs and facilitates group processes as a consultant, I am used to performing. I have referred to it as drag. It is a persona that allows me to support the group’s intention. Over the past year, my work has shifted. There is less consulting and more… I honestly don’t even know what to call it.
It occurs to me that I wear less drag and am more me. Am I less protected? Well, that’s not quite right - I don’t feel unprotected. It is something else.
I know it’s partly my privilege that allows me the luxury of being myself. My age, the sensitivity to anti-blackness, and to a much lesser degree, a little less misogyny. This all makes it possible.
There is an expectation now around how I will show up. It is 100% me, 100% of the time.
Being me, in some ways, has now become the performance.
About The Author:
Jara Dean-Coffey (jdc) is Founder and Director of the Equitable Evaluation Initiative and the Founder of Luminare Group. For the past twenty-five years, she has partnered with clients and colleagues to elevate their collective understanding of the relationship between values, context, strategy and evaluation and shifting our practices so that they are more fully in service of equity. For more about musings + machinations click here.
