Intimidating or intimidated?
A dear friend recently DM’d me via Instagram in response to a post I put in my story. Here is the exchange:
Umm (her)
What are you implying? (me)
You are pretty intimidating which is fine. But you insist that you are not which is the funny part of it all (her)
I stand by it. I am not intimidating. People are intimidated by me. I will agree that I am more intense (and comfortable with that intensity) than most (me)
I started to wonder why I got so triggered by that word, so to Google I went.
in·tim·i·date
/inˈtiməˌdāt/
verb
past tense: intimidated; past participle: intimidated
frighten or overawe (someone), especially in order to make them do what one wants.
"he tries to intimidate his rivals"
Origin
My read of the word was on point. I don’t try to get people to do what I want by frightening them. I am, however, a consultant. I have opinions about a host of things. If you decide to do what I suggest, that is fine by me, and if you don’t, that’s ok too.
Then I wondered about the relationship between the term and being a Black, dark skinned, tall female. It's about the Stereotype. It's about us not being able to be so many things, one of which is being smart, strong, and non-deferential.
In all honesty, some folks take up too much air time with old narratives and unsophisticated analysis and I don't have time for that anymore. In those instances, it's highly likely that my tone or words will convey that opinion.
I'm working on it not because I want to be less intimidating (which I still reject) but because it's important for me to practice listening with a more “why” mindset. Perhaps with a different way of being in my non-deferential Black female self, more liberatory relationships might emerge (Adrienne Maree Brown, Emergent Strategy, p 142; 147).
That can only be a positive for both and all.
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About The Author:
Jara Dean-Coffey (jdc) is Founder and Director of the Equitable Evaluation Initiative and the Founder of Luminare Group. For the past twenty-five years, she has partnered with clients and colleagues to elevate their collective understanding of the relationship between values, context, strategy and evaluation and shifting our practices so that they are more fully in service of equity. For more about musings + machinations click here.
